Last Saturday, my wife told me that she was planning to spend the weekend with her parents. She gave me free passes for Sunday evening of a talk by BK Shivani on “Harmony in Relationships”. Most of you would have listened to BK Shivani on television in programme “Awakening with Brahma Kumaris”. My wife knows my inclination to listening to spiritual discourses whenever possible. And the venue of this programme was my daughter’s school which is walking distance from my home. I could not have asked for more from god on that day.
Next day evening, i was so excited that i reached the venue half an hour in advance. I had also decided that i will write a post on this event for the benefit of reader’s of my blog. I am touching upon some of the takeaways of that evening through this post.
What we need to worry about?
As she started speaking, i could see lot of people who had come late trying to cross over the ropes, so that they get seats in the front rows. Sister Shivani smiled and said “Your worry should not be that whether you get seats in the front row or back row. What you should be worried about is whether your mind is seated in the right place or not?”
Why others don’t understand our point of view?
She asks why is it that we want love but we get rejection. Why is it that we want appreciation but we get criticism? What are the things that cause worry? Relationships bring love and happiness in life. Then why is it so that relationships have become a cause of agony and pain these days?
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Why is it that we don’t understand each other? Why do we want to change others? When others don’t understand our point of view despite our repeated attempts, we say they do not understand what we mean. We tell them that what we are trying to explain is for their benefit. But still they don’t understand. The truth is not that they don’t understand our point of view. The truth is that they don’t want to understand our point of view. We are suggesting things from our perspective, but may be they don’t think that what we suggest is beneficial for them.
Have children lost trust in their parents?
BK Shivani tells about a workshop involving parents and children. Both were asked “What was the reason for tension in their lives?” You will be surprised to know that parents replied that children were the main reason for their tension. And the children replied that parents were the main reason for their tension. It’s really sad to know the state of such a beautiful relationship.
She says have you ever thought when your child makes a mistake, what is your reaction. Are we cool headed at that time and do we try to explain our child what he or she did was wrong. On the contrary, we get so irritated that we scold him saying “You are wrong.” Important thing to understand is that making and pronouncing a judgement that our child is wrong is totally incorrect. What our child did was wrong. We fail to differentiate between our child being wrong and the thing he did being wrong. And when we say, “You are wrong” we are transmitting negative energies. This will not do any good.
The communication you gave is that you are wrong and hence you need to change.
Why have we lost trust and confidence of our children?
The reason our children have stopped sharing their problems with us is that they fear that we will scold them. They are ready to share their problems with councillors in school but not with their parents. The sad part is we are good at counselling our neighbour’s children, our brother’s children and our friend’s children. When their children make mistakes and come to us confessing, we tell them don’t worry, it’s all right, everything will be fine, sometimes mistakes do happen, just ensure not to repeat in future. But when our children make the same mistakes, we lose our cool and give them a tight slap. Can we become councillors to our children?
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Just give it a thought. Small children always have the habit of coming to their parents and sharing with them whatever happens in their life, whether it is classroom, friends, play ground etc. They will share everything. But do you remember when your child first time came to you and told innocently and excitedly that today he bunked the class with his friends to watch movie. What was your reaction? This innocent child did not know bunking and going to movie was wrong. What he got was rejection from you instead of acceptance. He saw hatred in your eyes. But that day he got acceptance from his friends who didn’t think he was wrong.
From that day onwards, he stopped sharing with his parents. Instead he started sharing his thoughts with his friends. And then a day came, when his friends told him to come for hard drinks and cigarettes. He knew it was wrong. But he didn’t want rejection at the hand of friends. He already had received rejection at the hand of parents and he doesn’t want to lose his friends now. So he agrees.
What we need to understand is the difference between “You are wrong” and “Smoking cigarettes is wrong”, “Bunking school and watching movies is wrong”. Give your children the assurance, the trust, the faith that “Whatever you share, whatever you do, i am with you.”
Parents does not mean controller. Parents mean facilitator. Parents are always right as far as their intention towards the well being of their children is concerned. But children are also right from their own perspective. The day we realize this trust will be created.
Why do we need to see things from other’s perspective?
Sister Shivani tells that each soul travels through various bodies in the previous lives. And events and experiences of previous lives shape up our soul to a large extent. It is a CD on which each life copies its events. She tells about a mother who told her that her son was afraid of water. Mother found it strange because all other members in their family loved swimming. And they wanted their son to learn swimming. So initially the mother tried to persuade her son to go into swimming pool. But when he refused despite several attempts, mother just pushed him in the swimming pool so that his fear goes. Sister Shivani tells this mother that this soul lost his life in the floods of Kashmir in his previous birth. So his soul has come again to this earth with a genuine fear for water. And instead of understanding child’s perspective and helping him come out of his painful experiences of past, you are traumatizing him.
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Similarly think of the souls who lost their lives in the earthquake of Nepal. Imagine what will be their feelings just before death. Obviously it will be a feeling of anger, fear, agony, pain and hopelessness. When these souls take rebirth, obviously such a tragic ending will have some carry forward scar on their personality. However faith, trust, love, affection, sharing was also part of their life at some time. Our job should be to guide such souls towards positive aspects of life. Whatever values of life you want others to adopt, you should motivate, appreciate and guide others towards that. Soul will not come to you and tell, i suffered so and so things in my previous lives. You need to realize that each soul has a different CD, and we need to accept and appreciate their uniqueness and their perspective.
Some takeaways for us
- Every soul needs love, appreciation, acceptance and support.
- Giving a slap to your children is the worst thing to do. You are crushing the self respect of your children.
- Try to see others from a different perspective
- Accept each other’s value system
- When you have expectations from others and they are not fulfilled, you are calling for agony and pain and you will hold the other person responsible for the same
- Harmony in Relationships can be maintained when one of us “Haar Maaney”
- If health and happiness are important for us, then we need to get rid of our anger.